What's that?...

...and THAT?

...aaaaaannnnnnnd THAT?!?

Well, I have written about a number of people in this blog. Some good news, some...the worst news; but in any case I told you about a number of people that are very important to me. In SOME cases, I even showed you a picture.

Tonight I figured I'd show you some pictures of my newest best friends...

...they just are not people.


The first picture is my friend that helps me schedule my day...my meds. As you can see, I am no longer a guy who doesn't "take anything." I take 8 pills, covering 5 different medicines, at 4 times during the day. It is to the point where I have alarms on my phone for 9 am, noon, 6 pm and 9 pm. Otherwise life would get in the way & I'd forget. I can't forget....I gotta be good.

Picture two...anyone wanna take a guess? Beuler? Beuler?

Yes, that's right (oh, I know you all guessed right) it is the screen from the treadmill I usually use. More specifically, it is the screen as I am finishing my cool-down. As you can see, I was able to do 2.25 miles in just over 30 minutes. I was particularly happy that day...my first day over 2 miles. Before it is all said & done, I want to be over 3 miles. I guess we'll see.

The last picture is my tracking sheet for Physical Therapy
(calling it REHAB just seems so..."12-stepish")

You'll please notice that I am UNDER 150 pounds (no...really...notice, PLEASE).
For those of you that knew me in high school, you probably never thought I'd ever get UP to 145 lbs. Well the scrawny kid from Indian Hills High School topped out at about 170. YUCK!

You'll also notice that my heart rate hangs out in the 70's & 80's and my blood pressure is plenty low.
All good things.

Now, I get my heart rate up into the 160's each day, I jog, I sweat, YEP....I smell bad afterwards...
All things I never really thought I'd be happy to say, but all things that mean I am getting better and stronger.

SO, there you go...you have been introduced to three of my new best friends

Hopefully, they will "keep me honest" and will help support me to make sure I am around for a good long time for my wife and kids. Because, while I will miss my friend Father Angelo, I am in no hurry to join him in person. Sorry, Ang...I love you, but I'll see you soon enough.

Good night & God bless

Well gang, I guess I have not been very reliable lately huh?

I am sorry about that. I have been really hurting over the loss of my friend Angelo Gambatese, and last night I just plain fell asleep before I got to the blog.

I had been trying to figure out how to get to NJ for Ang's services. I was trying flying, trains, driving...nothing seemed to be a good option. I WAS going to drive until I heard the weather report.

I am sad that I can not go. I was ready. Now...not everyone agrees with me.
More than one person told me to stay home and not "push myself" and to not "overdo" it.

Now, my lovely wife is ALWAYS worried that I am going to overdo it. She knows me well. She is always afraid that I am trying to do to much. But this time was different. THIS time, pretty much everyone told me to stay home. THIS time everyone thought I was going to try to do too much.

In fact, this was the first time I had to worry about trying to do too much myself...and that fact really bothers me.

Normally, I would just shrug it off, push through and then figure out a way. This time I was willing to let the weather report make my decision for me....THIS time, I even had to MAKE a decision. I am not used to that.

Ang, I am sorry I won't be there. Everyone says you know I will be there in spirit, I am glad for that.

But we all know that funerals and wakes are for the living...not the deceased.

I'll get to say good bye in my own way tomorrow and Thursday while the services take place, but I won't get to go see my friend one last time. Selfishly...that makes me very sad, particularly because of the REASON I won't get to go....my own imperfection.

Here is one last little reflection:
Today is Mardi Gras, so that means tomorrow is Ash Wednesday...the start of Lent. For us Catholics, that means giving up something. This year, it will be particularly hard to fulfill that requirement since I have already given up so many things.

I guess I could give up eating "heart-healthy", but I think that is not the idea (and I think Ashley would hurt me :) )

Laissez le bon temps rouler (Let the good times roll) as they say in New Orleans.

Good night & God bless

I did not post last night. I was really just NOT in the mood.

I know I promised a daily post & so far I have been pretty good, but yesterday was not a good day.

I found out about mid day that I lost a close, loving friend; Father Angelus Gambatese, "Ang".

I have known Ang for over 30 years and I never heard a cross word from him about another human being. He was always good for a spirited discussion on any topic you wanted; only you better come armed with good information and an open mind.

For a guy who was maybe all of 5'5" or so, Ang was full of energy and the will to try new experiences. There was no room left in him for fear or prejudice.

I started working as the weekend helped at my church not long after Ang began serving there. When I first met him, I thought he was an old-line traditional priest....BOY was I wrong. I learned just how wrong when he led a trip to Europe that I was lucky enough to go on.

Our conversations were eye opening. His knowledge of Europe and the world was amazing. His willingness to just head off on his own without a tour guide was inspiring.

That trip completely changed our relationship & we were soon closer than I ever thought I could be to a priest.

From that point on, Ang was one of the people I made sure to visit when I was home from college. Louisiana, Maryland, North Carolina...no matter where I was, Ang kept in touch.

He thought about me much more often that I would have ever imagined. I mean, c'mon, everyone SAYS they think about you, but he really DID. In fact I found out much later that he kept my high-school picture with the pictures of his family. 

Ang was good enough to travel from NJ to NC and bless my family with is work 4 separate times.

He co-presided over my wedding and he came BACK to North Carolina 3 more times to baptize my children. It was so special to have him make such a trip for a ceremony that takes all of 20 minutes.

I hope I made Ang proud to call me friend and I hope I will continue to make him proud of the father and husband I am.

Ang...I need you to know how often I thought of you over the years even when I couldn't stay in touch very well. I need you to know I look to your example when I have tough decisions to make.

I know you are in heaven right now looking down on folks and keeping watch...

...that is when you aren't discussing religion with God.

As for me, other than tears and sadness at the loss of a close friend (and a role model I could only WISH to follow) I am doing fine. My heart is feeling good, my rehab is going well, and I THINK the sadness is turning to curiosity...I am curious what his discussions with Einstein, Confucius, and Mickey Mantle will be about.

Good bye Ang...love you.

Craig

Good night & God bless

So as tough as yesterday was, tonight I got to see exactly why I am still here & WHY I am happy about that.

If you remember a little while back (right at the beginning of this blog) I was able to see my youngest son & my wife in A Christmas Carol. Being allowed to see that re-energized me.

Tonight was just the same thing. Tonight was my oldest son's turn to help pull me out of a bit of a hole.

Opening night of Guys & Dolls and what an opening it was. My son sang, he acted, he danced with <gulp> girls....AND HE TAP DANCED!

But most of all, he laughed, he smiled and he had a great time. My son was doing something he loved and I got to see it. What a wonderful way to spend a Thursday night. What a wonderful night to be alive.

Tomorrow we get to do it all over again, only tomorrow Gigi (grandma) will be here to see the play.

The grandparents don't live near us, so it is a special treat when they get to see the kid,s and even MORE special when they get to see something like one of kids in a play. It is always a good time, and I know my son will be so happy to see his Gigi in the audience.

This recovery has been a long trip so far & really I am just pulling out of the proverbial driveway, but when nights like this happen it becomes so much easier to take care of myself, to eat good foods, to take my plethora of medicines, and to remember why God has seen fit to let me stick around for a little longer.

As I said on day one, this is a thank you effort. With that in mind, thank you to all of you still reading along, and THANK YOU to the wonderful medical professionals who made it possible for me to be here to see tonight.

Here are a couple of pictures from Guys & Dolls at the Creative Drama Children's Theater....the best children's theater group around.

Good night & God bless. 

From a physical standpoint, today was okay.
Nothing particularly good...nothing particularly bad...so, it was okay.


From a mental & emotional standpoint, today really kind of stunk.
The issue really wasn't about my recovery. It was just about the day.


I didn't feel like I was making any headway at work.
I felt behind all day.
It was like I just didn't want to be "there". I write it like that because "there" was really anywhere.


I mean, I got up & got ready...like I always do.
I got the kids up & made lunches...like I always do.
I gave everyone a kiss goodbye...like I LOVE to do.


Then I got to work & was working, but didn't want to be there. I just could not get my mind centered on work. I couldn't get focused on the stuff for the house. I was just "there".


Now, why am I writing about having a crappy day in a recovery journal?


Well...all day, while I was "there", I was actually kind of missing the early days of my recovery.
I was kind of wanting to just go home & have nothing to do.


I wanted to go home, curl up under a blanket, eat, drink my water & go for my walk around the block with my neighbor....


...and that was ALL I wanted to do today...and THAT is what stunk about today.


I found myself wanting to be a bump on a log with no goal, no drive. I was ACTUALLY wishing was back to being stuck on the couch wearing sweats and t-shirt.


Instead, I was worrying about work, and home, and what's next on my to-do list.


I guess that is part of a recovery like this. It seems kind of like a birthday.
WHAT?!?!?


Yeah, a BIRTHDAY! One day, you are the guest of honor. You get breakfast in bed. People pick up after you, send you nice cards.


The next day, you are just another person. No breakfast, no cards...just another day.


I guess I am feeling sad that I am not the guy who gets all of the help anymore.
Or am I feeling scared that I am falling back into the routine that caused all of this in the first place?


Or is it something else? Are my heart and mind telling me that this is a time for change?


OR am I just angry that I am letting myself get lazy?


Whatever is causing this feeling...is it a NORMAL part of recovering?
Does everyone go through this?


Is this...
...(oh, God, I can't believe I am going to say this)...


...is this "just a phase" I am going through?


I am not sure why I felt like I did today.  What I DO know is that I felt like I would be happier stuck on the couch than doing what I was doing; and whether or not it causes another heart attack, that is not a happy or a healthy feeling.


Looks like I need to do some thinking, huh gang...


Thanks for staying with me. I'll let you know if I figure it out.




Good night & God bless.

We have "talked" about the bad things that have happened and the good things that have happened to me since November 22. I have written about what was hard, and what I have been able to do pretty easily. I have let you know how I felt on a given day and you have even read a post from a guest author (the PRETTIEST guest author I could find).


What I don't think I have been clear enough about is what grates on me every day; what hides within each decision I make; what just bothers the CRAP outta me.


I CAN'T SEE MY HEART!!!!


I can't see it beating.
I can't see the arteries.
I can't see if there are any other clogs.


I    can't    see   if   what    I   do   makes   a   damn   bit   of   difference.


I'll be honest. I have not been perfect since I got home. I have eaten chocolate, and a slice or 2 of pizza, and probably one too many servings of some DELICIOUS low -sodium chili my son made.


On the other hand...


...I HAVE been religious about getting to rehabilitation & I have been pushing past every goal they have set for me. I have ONLY had a slice or two of pizza since November 22. I ask Ashley if I am not sure about something & I know more about what foods are high in sodium than I ever thought I would.


Yet, on the bad days, did I add to an existing problem? Have I set myself up for another heart attack? On the GOOD days, did I do anything to make my heart healthier, or am I just biding my time?


I can 't SEE anything.


This last weekend, I had to eat out a lot. Did I eat the right things? Did I screw up all of the hard work?


How much damage DO I do when I eat something that is bad for me? Do I "make-up for it" when I am good?


If I am a good boy for breakfast and lunch, can I be a bad boy for dinner?


I don't know, 'cause I can't see.


It is so difficult to try to do the right thing when you can't tell if what you are doing IS the right thing.


It is easy to see if you are doing the right thing to lose weight....your weight drops.
It is easy to see if you are rehabilitating a rebuilt knee correctly. If you are, you will be stronger. You will be able to straighten & bend your knee more each day.


Sadly, unless something bad happens, I can't tell if I am doing things correctly or not.


Everything else in consideration, the toughest thing for me is that I can't SEE.




Good night & God bless.

ZZZZZZZZZZZ.....


I just finished doing just that.


I was putting my baby girl to bed and apparently I joined her in dreamland for a little while. So, this will be a short post as I am very tired and probably not fully awake.


Today falls into the "just when you thought it was over" category.


I actually found myself telling my story again. Yes, that is right. There was someone I know who actually had not heard what happened.


It has been so long since I took the time to tell everything that it almost didn't seem like I was talking about myself. I mean, even this weekend at my company meeting, I didn't tell the WHOLE story. Tonight was the first time in weeks I had to tell someone all the gory details.


Kind of strange to have to do that I'll tell you, but maybe a good thing.


Since this weekend, my diet has not been the best & telling the story again reminded me why I am eating better and exercising. Maybe God stepped in yet again and worked his magic. Maybe he used this person as a reminder that two months is NOT a long time, and that I still need to be careful.


I am very close to fitting into pants with a 30" waist, telling my story again, may just help ensure I get there. Let's hope so.


Well, that is it for tonight. Like I said, I am tired and still 1/2 asleep. I hope you all have a great night & a wonderful day tomorrow.


Good night & God bless.