From a physical standpoint, today was okay.
Nothing particularly good...nothing particularly bad...so, it was okay.


From a mental & emotional standpoint, today really kind of stunk.
The issue really wasn't about my recovery. It was just about the day.


I didn't feel like I was making any headway at work.
I felt behind all day.
It was like I just didn't want to be "there". I write it like that because "there" was really anywhere.


I mean, I got up & got ready...like I always do.
I got the kids up & made lunches...like I always do.
I gave everyone a kiss goodbye...like I LOVE to do.


Then I got to work & was working, but didn't want to be there. I just could not get my mind centered on work. I couldn't get focused on the stuff for the house. I was just "there".


Now, why am I writing about having a crappy day in a recovery journal?


Well...all day, while I was "there", I was actually kind of missing the early days of my recovery.
I was kind of wanting to just go home & have nothing to do.


I wanted to go home, curl up under a blanket, eat, drink my water & go for my walk around the block with my neighbor....


...and that was ALL I wanted to do today...and THAT is what stunk about today.


I found myself wanting to be a bump on a log with no goal, no drive. I was ACTUALLY wishing was back to being stuck on the couch wearing sweats and t-shirt.


Instead, I was worrying about work, and home, and what's next on my to-do list.


I guess that is part of a recovery like this. It seems kind of like a birthday.
WHAT?!?!?


Yeah, a BIRTHDAY! One day, you are the guest of honor. You get breakfast in bed. People pick up after you, send you nice cards.


The next day, you are just another person. No breakfast, no cards...just another day.


I guess I am feeling sad that I am not the guy who gets all of the help anymore.
Or am I feeling scared that I am falling back into the routine that caused all of this in the first place?


Or is it something else? Are my heart and mind telling me that this is a time for change?


OR am I just angry that I am letting myself get lazy?


Whatever is causing this feeling...is it a NORMAL part of recovering?
Does everyone go through this?


Is this...
...(oh, God, I can't believe I am going to say this)...


...is this "just a phase" I am going through?


I am not sure why I felt like I did today.  What I DO know is that I felt like I would be happier stuck on the couch than doing what I was doing; and whether or not it causes another heart attack, that is not a happy or a healthy feeling.


Looks like I need to do some thinking, huh gang...


Thanks for staying with me. I'll let you know if I figure it out.




Good night & God bless.