"But, you look healthy as a horse."
Thank you?

That quote can go both ways. On the surface, it is certainly a compliment. It means, "You look good."

Unfortunately, if you are a little short on self-confidence (who ME?), this statement can also mean something else. If you are a little self conscious, this can also mean, "How bad could it have been? You don't look so bad."

It was strange. Someone said that to me today. "Well, you LOOK healthy as a horse." I wasn't sure what to say. Do I say thanks, or do I explain why I am really NOT healthy as a horse and why I am being careful?

See, I am at the point where since I LOOK okay, I feel like I need to ACT okay. I feel the need to act like there is nothing wrong & "pull my weight." If I don't, I feel like folks will consider me a slacker. I mean, I look okay on the outside and so I have to match that on the inside....right?

As you might be able to tell from my writing here, I am having trouble making my point tonight. It's just that, since my injury is all inside my body, I am having trouble not getting back to normal.

For example....my sons had their Cub Scout meeting tonight. It was an important one, so we had a big party (Blue & Gold Dinner for those of you in scouts). Well, when it was all done & we began to clean up, I remembered the "healthy horse" comment. I felt the need to show everyone I was as okay as I looked....or maybe I was trying to show them that I would work as hard as someone who WAS as healthy as I looked...or maybe I was trying to keep myself from getting pity...or maybe I was worried folks were looking and I didn't want them seeing me be lazy. After all I am the Cubmaster, I need to help MORE than everyone else. And, since I, "Look healthy as a..." (you get the point).

It was all I could do not to hoist a table up myself, or carry a bunch of chairs.

As someone who is recovering from an internal issue, I feel self conscious about not having a visible signal that shows what I am going through. It is hard to trust that everyone else will accept that I have a problem if they can't actually SEE it.

At the same time....it IS nice to know that all of my hard work and my better eating habits are paying off. I have always said I wanted to eventually be at a point where people didn't know I had suffered a heart attack. It is nice to fit into pants that I have not been able to wear in years, and to not look sickly.

So, looking "healthy as a horse" is working for and against me. I am so glad that I am reaching a goal and not looking like a "survivor". But, at the same time, I am fearful that I am beginning to look like a lazy bum.

I guess I need to get a little confidence and gain a little more trust of the people around me; I need to trust they all will accept a health issue they can not see.

I am confident that I'll get right on that (and trust that you believe me).

Good night and God bless.