We have "talked" about the bad things that have happened and the good things that have happened to me since November 22. I have written about what was hard, and what I have been able to do pretty easily. I have let you know how I felt on a given day and you have even read a post from a guest author (the PRETTIEST guest author I could find).


What I don't think I have been clear enough about is what grates on me every day; what hides within each decision I make; what just bothers the CRAP outta me.


I CAN'T SEE MY HEART!!!!


I can't see it beating.
I can't see the arteries.
I can't see if there are any other clogs.


I    can't    see   if   what    I   do   makes   a   damn   bit   of   difference.


I'll be honest. I have not been perfect since I got home. I have eaten chocolate, and a slice or 2 of pizza, and probably one too many servings of some DELICIOUS low -sodium chili my son made.


On the other hand...


...I HAVE been religious about getting to rehabilitation & I have been pushing past every goal they have set for me. I have ONLY had a slice or two of pizza since November 22. I ask Ashley if I am not sure about something & I know more about what foods are high in sodium than I ever thought I would.


Yet, on the bad days, did I add to an existing problem? Have I set myself up for another heart attack? On the GOOD days, did I do anything to make my heart healthier, or am I just biding my time?


I can 't SEE anything.


This last weekend, I had to eat out a lot. Did I eat the right things? Did I screw up all of the hard work?


How much damage DO I do when I eat something that is bad for me? Do I "make-up for it" when I am good?


If I am a good boy for breakfast and lunch, can I be a bad boy for dinner?


I don't know, 'cause I can't see.


It is so difficult to try to do the right thing when you can't tell if what you are doing IS the right thing.


It is easy to see if you are doing the right thing to lose weight....your weight drops.
It is easy to see if you are rehabilitating a rebuilt knee correctly. If you are, you will be stronger. You will be able to straighten & bend your knee more each day.


Sadly, unless something bad happens, I can't tell if I am doing things correctly or not.


Everything else in consideration, the toughest thing for me is that I can't SEE.




Good night & God bless.