So...tonight isn't much better. Still feel like crap and so tired and "weak".

So...tonight won't be a particularly good post either.

What I will say is that being sick K right now is very different than it used to be. Ashley has been hyper-vigilant in taking care of me, but also hyper-vigilant in making sure I stay off my feet. She w as soon worried that something would happen to my heart because of this illness.

I guess that is my lot in life now. I will always be under the microscope now. I will always have to be concerned what "might happen."

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better post.

Good night and God bless.

Sorry gang.
No posting today.

I am too busy tossing my cookies.

Check back tomorrow.

Good night & God bless.

"But, you look healthy as a horse."
Thank you?

That quote can go both ways. On the surface, it is certainly a compliment. It means, "You look good."

Unfortunately, if you are a little short on self-confidence (who ME?), this statement can also mean something else. If you are a little self conscious, this can also mean, "How bad could it have been? You don't look so bad."

It was strange. Someone said that to me today. "Well, you LOOK healthy as a horse." I wasn't sure what to say. Do I say thanks, or do I explain why I am really NOT healthy as a horse and why I am being careful?

See, I am at the point where since I LOOK okay, I feel like I need to ACT okay. I feel the need to act like there is nothing wrong & "pull my weight." If I don't, I feel like folks will consider me a slacker. I mean, I look okay on the outside and so I have to match that on the inside....right?

As you might be able to tell from my writing here, I am having trouble making my point tonight. It's just that, since my injury is all inside my body, I am having trouble not getting back to normal.

For example....my sons had their Cub Scout meeting tonight. It was an important one, so we had a big party (Blue & Gold Dinner for those of you in scouts). Well, when it was all done & we began to clean up, I remembered the "healthy horse" comment. I felt the need to show everyone I was as okay as I looked....or maybe I was trying to show them that I would work as hard as someone who WAS as healthy as I looked...or maybe I was trying to keep myself from getting pity...or maybe I was worried folks were looking and I didn't want them seeing me be lazy. After all I am the Cubmaster, I need to help MORE than everyone else. And, since I, "Look healthy as a..." (you get the point).

It was all I could do not to hoist a table up myself, or carry a bunch of chairs.

As someone who is recovering from an internal issue, I feel self conscious about not having a visible signal that shows what I am going through. It is hard to trust that everyone else will accept that I have a problem if they can't actually SEE it.

At the same time....it IS nice to know that all of my hard work and my better eating habits are paying off. I have always said I wanted to eventually be at a point where people didn't know I had suffered a heart attack. It is nice to fit into pants that I have not been able to wear in years, and to not look sickly.

So, looking "healthy as a horse" is working for and against me. I am so glad that I am reaching a goal and not looking like a "survivor". But, at the same time, I am fearful that I am beginning to look like a lazy bum.

I guess I need to get a little confidence and gain a little more trust of the people around me; I need to trust they all will accept a health issue they can not see.

I am confident that I'll get right on that (and trust that you believe me).

Good night and God bless.

Look....a SELFIE!!!!!!!

So...how's it LOOK?

Well, according to the folks at Cardiac Rehabilitation Services, it looks pretty darn good; at least that is what they tell me anyway.

This is a picture me during one of my rehab workouts

Okay, okay.....it is a picture of my EKG monitor at rehab. This is what the folks look at while I am working out.

There are 20 or so of these lit up at once; one for each person in "class" that day. The staff check them all periodically & let you know how you are doing. They tell you if it looks normal, they tell you what the heart rate is and they ask how you are feeling. "How does it feel; easy, moderate, or hard?"

At this point, I am probably 10 minutes into my workout & I am pushing a 143 beats per minute heart rate. Before the workout was over I was into the 150's. Since you can see 9 peaks here, you are looking at a snapshot of about 4 seconds of my workout.

This is also showing what is called a sinus rhythm.
(Oh, CRAP....he's gonna try to teach us something)

Sinus rhythm is the normal heart rhythm created by the body's pace maker, the sinoatrial node. Basically it is part of the upper chamber of the right side of the heart. That is the part of the heart where a normal heartbeat starts.
(Whew...that wasn't TOO bad)

I wish I had a picture to show you of what my heart looked like when I was having the heart attack, that way, you could see the difference. However, we were all a little busy saving my LIFE when that particular EKG was taking place. Since I don't plan on producing that kind of EKG reading for ANOTHER 47 years, y'all are just gonna have to wait for that one.

Suffice to say, the big hump and little humps all look good for the most part.
However, I have been told that you can still see the evidence of my heart attack in the smaller humps. Apparently that may never go away.

I also wish I had a GIF of one of the Echo-cardiograms they took. It was really cool to lay there & watch my heart beat happen. An Echo-cardiogram is basically an ultrasound of the heart; just like the ones they use to tell you what gender your baby will be. It is REALLY cool. Maybe I will write about that tomorrow. Who knows.

For now, the lesson is over children. Hope you enjoyed our little physiology class.

Good night & God bless.

Today is a milestone for TheThankyouYear....today is the 60th post for this blog.
Thanks to everyone who has been reading along with me and watching me recover.

As a recap:

• I had a heart attack on Nov 22, 2015.
• After four days in the hospital, I got to go home on Thanksgiving day. I went back 2 times for little scares, but was cleared both times.
• My wife, children and wonderful friends have taken care of me since day 1 giving me the ability to recover quickly.
• I started Physical therapy/Rehab at the end of Deember, and have been reaching every goal set for me. In fact, I began lower body resistance training today. that rounds out the program with cardio for 30 minutes on a treadmill, upper body and lower body weight training. I am now pushing my heart rate to between 150 and 160 beats per minute every session.
• I went back to work on January 4. My client has been unbelieveably supportive during my recovery.

It has been very helpful to post these entries each day. I can just dump my days feelings and reflections into the computer. What I have noticed over the last 2 months, is that each time I sit to write, I am forced to remember how lucky I was.....how lucky I AM to be in the position I am in. I don't just mean surviving the heart attack, I mean my place in life in the larger sense.

I have a beautiful wife, inside and out. I have 3 children that bring such warmth and fullness to my heart it is unbelievable, and I have family and friends that have gone well beyond what I deserve in the support department.

To top it all off, I have had 2 people tell me directly that, because of me, they are taking better care of themselves. SO...it is working, this blog is starting to do what I wanted it to do when I decided to write it....it is helping me recover and, much more importantly, it is helping others to live more healthy and hopefully fuller lives.

Tomorrow is a new day, and thanks to a miracle, a knowing wife, and EMTs that really know their stuff, I will be around to see it. Let's see what I can do to make it a better day for someone around me and earn the right to call myself a "heart attack survivor".

I am working with someone to begin the final goal of this blog; to raise money for the Forsyth County EMTs. In the coming weeks he & I will set up a "text to donate" phone number and a FundMe web site. Look for the information soon.

Appreciation, education, and donation; the goals of this blog, the reasons I am writing to you each day and three of the things I believe God expected of me when he decided to let me stay around a little while longer.

Thanks for the support. Talk to you tomorrow.

Good night & God bless.

I just had a heart attack...so?
My heart stopped...and?
I had 2 minutes of CPR...big deal!

That is kind of how I see my conversation with "Miss D." going.

Is she a heartless wench?
(Thank you Ferris Beuler)

Nope....SHE is dealing with:
- Suffering from the flu
- Sending her husband to the hospital with the flu
- Waiting for her power to come back on
- Helping a friend whose house burned down

...and all of this in the last 36 hours.

Oh, and she runs a business and her husband suffers from a chronic disorder on TOP of the flu.

Yet, this lady is the Zenith that calms so many others. She is strong and brings people to their centers, just by her nature.

I wonder if she'll make it to the YMCA to coach the TWO soccer teams she has.

Miss D. reminded me that it can always be worse, that I better not feel sorry for myself, and that I need to hit PT even harder rtomorrow. No one is going to make me more healthy, no one is going to carry me through life, and no one but me is going to make sure I use my second chance to make to make the world better for those around me.

Thanks Miss D. I appreciate the support, the inspiration and the kick in the pants. Know that the Donahue family stands ready to help you in what ever way we can.

Before I sign off, I want to do one more shout-out to my sister who decided it would be a good idea to start taking her cholesterol medicine again....
Keep it up sis! Take care of yourself 'cause I ain't ready to be watching anyone else grab their chest any time soon.

Good night and God bless.

PS - I wrote this from my phone, so forgive me if there are typos.

Well, it finally happened...
...after 3 months, someone finally caught me in the hallway & said, "Because of you, I..."

To set the stage...
I am in the hallway at my children's school just after a community sing. Parents hang out after the singing to shoot the breeze, complain about work, brag about their kids; that sort of thing. I was saying my final good-byes after my fair share of bragging. Suddenly, there is a tug on my arm & I turn to see the grandmother of one of the children.

This is a woman we know, not a stranger. In fact, Ashley has worked with her.

As we exchange pleasantries (AND I begin to brag on my kids again), we get into a talk about how much weight I've lost & my rehab, and then she just looks me cold in the eyes, smiles and says...

"Because of you, I called my doctor, got a check up and made sure I am okay."

Yep, it finally happened....

I have finally gotten proof positive that God wanted  me here to help other people escape the same near miss that I have had to suffer through. This was the first, but hopefully not the only time.

I needed this now. The last few days have been okay, but I have been feeling like I was starting to "get back to normal". Not normal like I am getting past my heart attack, and settling into my NEW life. No, back to normal like I was acting before my heart attack. I was getting complacent, getting bored, and getting back into the rut I was in before-hand.

Getting this affirmation that I was here to do something special reminded me to get back to being a "heart attack survivor", making myself better, and helping others who might need some inspiration.

I only have a good chance of touching others if they read what I have been writing. I can only reach a lot of people though this thing called the internet. So, if you find value in this writing, and you think someone could benefit, please tell them about TheThankyouYear.blogspot.com.

Thanks for staying with me through all of this.

Good night & God bless.

As I sit here & type, I am having a glass of red wine. As I looked back over last night's post, I realized how much it sounded like a speech from an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Hopefully tonight will be less downtrodden.

Wait....uuuummmmm...a GLASS OF WINE!?!?!?!? What is WRONG with me?

Well, I am celebrating my 3 "month-a-versary". That's right folks, I am 3 months out from my heart attack.

THREE MONTHS

ONE QUARTER OF THE YEAR

NINE-TY ONE DAYS! ! !

For those of you who have been here since day one, THAT is how long you have had to put up with me. For those of you just joining this journey, if you read my previous posts, that is how far back you have looked in time.

Here is the thing, that fact JUST hit me last night as I was falling asleep. I really HATE to sound cliché. But it seems so long ago in some ways, but it seems like just yesterday in others.

The best example I can give you is my physical therapy.

I am still getting better and trying to reach that point where I can't really push anymore. In that way, this all still seems so new. BUT...going to PT has just become part of me and part of my week. It is habit now. I know everyone there, I have a routine and it is just part of.....ME.

For every day I have written a post, I have 3 more to write to finish out the year. For each one you've read, you'll have 3 more to read.

Between now & next Thanksgiving, we'll laugh, learn, hopefully raise some money & yes, maybe even cry. No matter what, I am honored that you have chosen to come with me and I am blessed to have the ability to lead you all on this trip.

And, as bad as I was all weekend, how DID I do eating today???

Oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch, a small sandwich and a high fiber/low sodium bowl of cereal for dinner.

Add some fruit to the middle of all of that, and I can look back and say I did pretty darn good today   ....THAT'S why I get to have some wine now.

Good night & God bless.

Tonight will be short. Sorry gang, but I am just exhausted tonight.
It has been a very busy weekend and I am just plain tired.

And, I am paying for my Mexican food. Like I thought I spent the day thinking about what I had eaten last night....remember? Mexican food...

Part of that time thinking was really worrying. Worrying that I had messed up all of my hard work thus far, worrying that I had taken advantage of the blessing God gave me. That is a tiring thing to do all day.

Worse...I got to thinking that I had screwed up last night & survived so why be careful? It became "ok" that I didn't pay attention to my diet. So, even though I had worries in the back of my mind, the FRONT of my mind was thinking, "it'll be okay for 1 more day." I gave in and, for a day, I gave up.

I am disappointed in myself for not paying better attention.

I hope that some day I can "take a break" and not pay attention to what I eat. Today, should not have been that day.

To all of you, most especially to my wife and kids, I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry that I wasted this weekend.

To say now that tomorrow will be better would be easy. I hope to be able to say tomorrow NIGHT that tomorrow was better & that I felt like I was "back on the wagon."

That's it tonight; sad, disappointed, and yet hopeful.

Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers tonight that tomorrow I have the strength to return to the lifestyle that had me feeling so strong and well on my way to recovery.


Good night & God bless.

So, I found out something new about myself today....


I can trick myself into believing that ANY Mexican food is low sodium.


Yep...had some Mexican food tonight & pretended that what I had was low sodium. I had something called Chicken Pelusa. It was basically a fajita with rice instead of a tortilla.


It didn't have any pico de gallo, it didn't have any spicy sauce, and I had the cheese sauce on the side. It MUST have been low in sodium, right? Well, that is what I am gonna tell myself anyway.


I can tell you ONE thing about it......


......it was GOOOO-OOOOD!


I missed that tanginess that Mexican food can have.


Of course I am going to pay for this for the rest of the night and some of tomorrow, at least.
I won't pay in the way that most people pay with spicy food....I'll pay by THINKING.


I'll spend tonight and tomorrow noticing every twinge, feeling EVERY little bit of indigestion from the food.


I'll think about what might happen if I have too much salt & fat & carbohydrates.
I'll think about what it will feel like to be back in the hospital.


I'll THINK about everything that could go wrong because I had too much salt & fat tonight.


I think I better be a good boy tomorrow.


Basically what I am telling you tonight is that we are still not over this whole heart attack thing. It is still foremost in my mind with everything I do. It still hangs out there & is the topic of conversation with most folks. It is still "just there".


I guess we still have to recovery ahead of us huh?
I hope you'll join me for the rest of it.


Good night & God bless.

Looks like a two-fer today.
Last night was a late night...well, late for an old man who had a heart attack, anyway.


We took the kids to Charlotte to Lego Kidfest.


Picture a convention center FULL of Legos and kids. And when I say FULL, I mean full. Sets, piles, free-build areas. There were Legos for Star Wars & princesses. There were life size lions & tigers & hulks (thought I was gonna say bears didn't ya?).


They even had one of the Lego Master Builders there. Yep...the Lego company employs 20 Master Builders in the US. They help design the sets & they build all of the gigantic models for the theme parks and mall stores. I think the boys found their dream job.....


So, today I am a little tired. The event went from 4pm till 8pm in Charlotte and then an 1 1/2 hour drive home. I spent much of that time chasing a 2 year old around a convention center. Amazing how fast they can be with such short little legs.


And, I am a little sore. After a while I got sick of CHASING and turned to CARRYING a 2 year old around a convention center.


So...aside form being some nice Facebook news, what does this have to do with my recovery?


Well, it helped show me that I still have some limitations. 


I had a great time & I DID make it without sitting down to rest or "catch my breath".
But, I can tell you I was TIRED when we got home. It was only 9:30 & I was DONE!


I also noticed that I was breathing heavy as we walked back to the car. It was only 2 or 3 blocks & I wasn't carrying anyone, but I was still huffing & puffing a bit. I have never experienced tat before; a short walk followed by being out of breath. It was truly a little disappointing. I have been doing really well at rehab & pushing myself past the goals they have set for me. When I got to the real world though I was not in any place to push myself.


The real world is much tougher than rehab; and I found that out in full force last night.


I guess I better make sure I work a little harder in rehab next week, huh?


Good day & God bless.

Beverly, Natalie & Theresa...
...nope, not the newest girl band.

Those are the names of the three ladies who run the rehabilitation program I participate in.

They are 2 Nurses and an Exercise Physiologist.
They are three women who make every person feel special.
They are the people who make me (and I assume my classmates) feel safe during every workout.

So, what does a cardiac rehab specialist do...exactly?

• They check folks in: get weights, take blood pressures, take blood oxygen content & hook up our portable EKG units.
• They monitor us while we work out: check our heart rates periodically, check-in with us to see if we are okay, take blood pressures WHILE people are walking. 
• They care for those who did a little too much today...no, not me....
• They walk with you when you look tired, they talk to you to take your mind off the boredom of walking

This all sounds pretty simple; take some vital sign readings, talk with some old people...but these ladies don't get paid because they can take a blood pressure quickly. They get paid for the intangible things they CAN do...

They can make you want to work out.

They can make you feel safe.

They can make you feel important.

THEY can save a life. That is pretty cool.

For what they do every day, and for what they CAN do, these three ladies deserve a shout-out.
For how safe they make me feel each day, I have to publicly say "Thank you, ladies."

Beverly, Natalie & Theresa, thanks for helping me on my journey to recovery...you guys ROCK!

Good night & God bless.

I got to meet a new friend this week and we are going to work out again tomorrow.

Pretty good workout partner to have; doesn't care how big you are, really makes sure you are using good positioning and technique.

Although a little quiet, and I think will just continue to push, no matter how well I progress...



...oh, sorry...



...yes, I have a picture...



...here ya go...

Yep, that's right blog fans, I finally got to do some resistance training!!!!

Now, don't get TOO excited, it is not like I was racking the stack.
I am not anywhere near the weights I used to be able to use; I won't impress anyone with my lifting power.

But, at least I have started on a path BACK to having some strength.

Since I am just starting, I am in that period where the weights are going to move a lot each time. We need to find the weights that challenge me enough, but not too much.

So while I was up to 150lbs bench press years ago, I am at 60lbs (and increasing) now. Not exactly Mr. Universe numbers, but ya gotta start somewhere.

So, that's it....that's the news for today for me.....unfortunately I have to ask you all for prayers again.

A close friend of ours has lost his mom way to early in life. She has left behind 2 granddaughters each less than 5 years old. Our friend, her son, is one of the most caring, faithful gentlemen I know. While we all will lose parents some day, this man deserved many more years with his mom, a wonderful woman. Please pray for strength of heart and soul for our friend as he deals with this loss.

Good night & God bless.

Why me???

No, I am not asking you that right now; but I HAVE asked that more than a few times in the last 2 months. In fact, I'll bet that most of YOU have asked that question 1 or 2 times in your life.

Here is the question I have for YOU though...

Were you asking in a positive way or  negative way?

Wait...WHAT?!?

Were you asking, "Why did that happen to ME? Why am I being punished?"
Or, did you ask, "Why did that happen to ME? Why am I being blessed like this?"

Have you ever stopped to notice that, "Why me?" can go either way? I never thought about that until I found myself asking, "Why me?" for both the positive and the negative reasons.

When this first happened, I asked, "Why me?" Why did God make me suffer a heart attack? Was I not a good enough person? Was I REALLY not taking care of myself? What did I do to deserve being hindered for the rest of my life by being labeled "a survivor?" What did I do the deserve that?

Then, once I realized that I was fortunate enough to be a survivor, I asked myself, "Why me?" What was His plan for me? What does He want me to do with the extra time He has given me?
Why had God blessed ME with the title of "survivor?" What did I do to deserve that?

Same question, yet totally different questions....and I am still asking.

Here is the thing. At this point, I am pretty much on the positive side. Why did God bless my family & I with the grace to survive the heart attack? What special thing am I supposed to do?

I mean since my "episode", I have witnessed the death of a close friend and a young boy. I have a friend who is horribly close to losing his mom way too early. Yet, God (or whomever you chose to believe in) has decided that I was worthy of a warning, not death. Someone, or something has decided that I deserved a pass.

Why me?

I am so grateful for the new lease on life. At the same time I feel some pressure to be something more than I have been. I feel the need even more than before to fix sorrow, to solve problems.

Why me?...

Two simple words. One of the shortest sentences you could write. Yet, that two syllable sentence is giving cause to stop and think like never before. Why do I "have to", why do I "get to"? Why am I still here?

If I come up with any answers, y'all will be the among first folks to know. If YOU come up with any suggestions, I BETTER be the first to know.

Good night & God bless.

Sorry I have missed you all for a bit. I have been out of touch with the world.

What is worse, I am not worth much in a blog tonight. The clan is asleep and to be honest, I am VERY tired.

Took everyone for a short trip with some friends and it is catching up with me. I am tired, my back is tight and, to top it off, I wrenched my knee...my SUGICALLY REPAIRED KNEE.

That was one of two things that kept the trip from being perfect...the other being that we had to come back to the real world.

Now, I don't think I actually DAMAGED my knee, but it IS stiff and it DOES hurt. My in-house medical professional checked me & says she thinks I am okay...we'll just have to keep an eye on it.

The thing that scares me is the possibility that I might have to skip some of my rehab if I actually did do any damage to my knee. I guess we'll find out tomorrow when I am back on the treadmill.

Never had to worry about that kind of tuff before....now I have to....bummer, huh?

Pretty much, that is all I have for y'all tonight.

Hope I can do better tomorrow.

Good night & God bless.

I was pretty active today & I am paying for it tonight. My rib cage hurts from being active and the cold air has flared up the pain in my shoulder blades every time I try to breathe deeply.

None of that is any fun, but we have been hanging out with friends tonight which has allowed me to drop out of the work-a-day world for a night & just have fun. It has been a very welcome relief after the last few days/weeks.

I think that I need to be a little more careful with my menu choices tomorrow. During the day I was pretty good. Lots of carrots, not too much food...but dinner was pasta, wine and a cookie. Just a small one, but still...

Ashley caught me & pulled me back to reality; reminded me that I needed to be careful. I was not excited to have her do that, but in hind sight I am very glad that she did. Feeling well lately I got a little lax in taking care of myself. I got a little careless. So, it was great to have Ashley's support.

As I write this, I remember what it felt like to have Ashley look at me & say, "You don't need any more tonight."

While it did not feel good at the time, that comment hit me hard enough that it is preventing me from going to get a snack while I write. Thanks Ash....without your help, I'd be making a very bad decision right now related to the wonderful cookies sitting on the table just a few steps away.

Since I have my wife in my ear, I am going to skip those cookies & go to bed.

That means this is the end of tonight's post.

With that in mind, I'll just say what I always say at the end of a day...

Good night and God bless.

What's that?...

...and THAT?

...aaaaaannnnnnnd THAT?!?

Well, I have written about a number of people in this blog. Some good news, some...the worst news; but in any case I told you about a number of people that are very important to me. In SOME cases, I even showed you a picture.

Tonight I figured I'd show you some pictures of my newest best friends...

...they just are not people.


The first picture is my friend that helps me schedule my day...my meds. As you can see, I am no longer a guy who doesn't "take anything." I take 8 pills, covering 5 different medicines, at 4 times during the day. It is to the point where I have alarms on my phone for 9 am, noon, 6 pm and 9 pm. Otherwise life would get in the way & I'd forget. I can't forget....I gotta be good.

Picture two...anyone wanna take a guess? Beuler? Beuler?

Yes, that's right (oh, I know you all guessed right) it is the screen from the treadmill I usually use. More specifically, it is the screen as I am finishing my cool-down. As you can see, I was able to do 2.25 miles in just over 30 minutes. I was particularly happy that day...my first day over 2 miles. Before it is all said & done, I want to be over 3 miles. I guess we'll see.

The last picture is my tracking sheet for Physical Therapy
(calling it REHAB just seems so..."12-stepish")

You'll please notice that I am UNDER 150 pounds (no...really...notice, PLEASE).
For those of you that knew me in high school, you probably never thought I'd ever get UP to 145 lbs. Well the scrawny kid from Indian Hills High School topped out at about 170. YUCK!

You'll also notice that my heart rate hangs out in the 70's & 80's and my blood pressure is plenty low.
All good things.

Now, I get my heart rate up into the 160's each day, I jog, I sweat, YEP....I smell bad afterwards...
All things I never really thought I'd be happy to say, but all things that mean I am getting better and stronger.

SO, there you go...you have been introduced to three of my new best friends

Hopefully, they will "keep me honest" and will help support me to make sure I am around for a good long time for my wife and kids. Because, while I will miss my friend Father Angelo, I am in no hurry to join him in person. Sorry, Ang...I love you, but I'll see you soon enough.

Good night & God bless

Well gang, I guess I have not been very reliable lately huh?

I am sorry about that. I have been really hurting over the loss of my friend Angelo Gambatese, and last night I just plain fell asleep before I got to the blog.

I had been trying to figure out how to get to NJ for Ang's services. I was trying flying, trains, driving...nothing seemed to be a good option. I WAS going to drive until I heard the weather report.

I am sad that I can not go. I was ready. Now...not everyone agrees with me.
More than one person told me to stay home and not "push myself" and to not "overdo" it.

Now, my lovely wife is ALWAYS worried that I am going to overdo it. She knows me well. She is always afraid that I am trying to do to much. But this time was different. THIS time, pretty much everyone told me to stay home. THIS time everyone thought I was going to try to do too much.

In fact, this was the first time I had to worry about trying to do too much myself...and that fact really bothers me.

Normally, I would just shrug it off, push through and then figure out a way. This time I was willing to let the weather report make my decision for me....THIS time, I even had to MAKE a decision. I am not used to that.

Ang, I am sorry I won't be there. Everyone says you know I will be there in spirit, I am glad for that.

But we all know that funerals and wakes are for the living...not the deceased.

I'll get to say good bye in my own way tomorrow and Thursday while the services take place, but I won't get to go see my friend one last time. Selfishly...that makes me very sad, particularly because of the REASON I won't get to go....my own imperfection.

Here is one last little reflection:
Today is Mardi Gras, so that means tomorrow is Ash Wednesday...the start of Lent. For us Catholics, that means giving up something. This year, it will be particularly hard to fulfill that requirement since I have already given up so many things.

I guess I could give up eating "heart-healthy", but I think that is not the idea (and I think Ashley would hurt me :) )

Laissez le bon temps rouler (Let the good times roll) as they say in New Orleans.

Good night & God bless

I did not post last night. I was really just NOT in the mood.

I know I promised a daily post & so far I have been pretty good, but yesterday was not a good day.

I found out about mid day that I lost a close, loving friend; Father Angelus Gambatese, "Ang".

I have known Ang for over 30 years and I never heard a cross word from him about another human being. He was always good for a spirited discussion on any topic you wanted; only you better come armed with good information and an open mind.

For a guy who was maybe all of 5'5" or so, Ang was full of energy and the will to try new experiences. There was no room left in him for fear or prejudice.

I started working as the weekend helped at my church not long after Ang began serving there. When I first met him, I thought he was an old-line traditional priest....BOY was I wrong. I learned just how wrong when he led a trip to Europe that I was lucky enough to go on.

Our conversations were eye opening. His knowledge of Europe and the world was amazing. His willingness to just head off on his own without a tour guide was inspiring.

That trip completely changed our relationship & we were soon closer than I ever thought I could be to a priest.

From that point on, Ang was one of the people I made sure to visit when I was home from college. Louisiana, Maryland, North Carolina...no matter where I was, Ang kept in touch.

He thought about me much more often that I would have ever imagined. I mean, c'mon, everyone SAYS they think about you, but he really DID. In fact I found out much later that he kept my high-school picture with the pictures of his family. 

Ang was good enough to travel from NJ to NC and bless my family with is work 4 separate times.

He co-presided over my wedding and he came BACK to North Carolina 3 more times to baptize my children. It was so special to have him make such a trip for a ceremony that takes all of 20 minutes.

I hope I made Ang proud to call me friend and I hope I will continue to make him proud of the father and husband I am.

Ang...I need you to know how often I thought of you over the years even when I couldn't stay in touch very well. I need you to know I look to your example when I have tough decisions to make.

I know you are in heaven right now looking down on folks and keeping watch...

...that is when you aren't discussing religion with God.

As for me, other than tears and sadness at the loss of a close friend (and a role model I could only WISH to follow) I am doing fine. My heart is feeling good, my rehab is going well, and I THINK the sadness is turning to curiosity...I am curious what his discussions with Einstein, Confucius, and Mickey Mantle will be about.

Good bye Ang...love you.

Craig

Good night & God bless

So as tough as yesterday was, tonight I got to see exactly why I am still here & WHY I am happy about that.

If you remember a little while back (right at the beginning of this blog) I was able to see my youngest son & my wife in A Christmas Carol. Being allowed to see that re-energized me.

Tonight was just the same thing. Tonight was my oldest son's turn to help pull me out of a bit of a hole.

Opening night of Guys & Dolls and what an opening it was. My son sang, he acted, he danced with <gulp> girls....AND HE TAP DANCED!

But most of all, he laughed, he smiled and he had a great time. My son was doing something he loved and I got to see it. What a wonderful way to spend a Thursday night. What a wonderful night to be alive.

Tomorrow we get to do it all over again, only tomorrow Gigi (grandma) will be here to see the play.

The grandparents don't live near us, so it is a special treat when they get to see the kid,s and even MORE special when they get to see something like one of kids in a play. It is always a good time, and I know my son will be so happy to see his Gigi in the audience.

This recovery has been a long trip so far & really I am just pulling out of the proverbial driveway, but when nights like this happen it becomes so much easier to take care of myself, to eat good foods, to take my plethora of medicines, and to remember why God has seen fit to let me stick around for a little longer.

As I said on day one, this is a thank you effort. With that in mind, thank you to all of you still reading along, and THANK YOU to the wonderful medical professionals who made it possible for me to be here to see tonight.

Here are a couple of pictures from Guys & Dolls at the Creative Drama Children's Theater....the best children's theater group around.

Good night & God bless. 

From a physical standpoint, today was okay.
Nothing particularly good...nothing particularly bad...so, it was okay.


From a mental & emotional standpoint, today really kind of stunk.
The issue really wasn't about my recovery. It was just about the day.


I didn't feel like I was making any headway at work.
I felt behind all day.
It was like I just didn't want to be "there". I write it like that because "there" was really anywhere.


I mean, I got up & got ready...like I always do.
I got the kids up & made lunches...like I always do.
I gave everyone a kiss goodbye...like I LOVE to do.


Then I got to work & was working, but didn't want to be there. I just could not get my mind centered on work. I couldn't get focused on the stuff for the house. I was just "there".


Now, why am I writing about having a crappy day in a recovery journal?


Well...all day, while I was "there", I was actually kind of missing the early days of my recovery.
I was kind of wanting to just go home & have nothing to do.


I wanted to go home, curl up under a blanket, eat, drink my water & go for my walk around the block with my neighbor....


...and that was ALL I wanted to do today...and THAT is what stunk about today.


I found myself wanting to be a bump on a log with no goal, no drive. I was ACTUALLY wishing was back to being stuck on the couch wearing sweats and t-shirt.


Instead, I was worrying about work, and home, and what's next on my to-do list.


I guess that is part of a recovery like this. It seems kind of like a birthday.
WHAT?!?!?


Yeah, a BIRTHDAY! One day, you are the guest of honor. You get breakfast in bed. People pick up after you, send you nice cards.


The next day, you are just another person. No breakfast, no cards...just another day.


I guess I am feeling sad that I am not the guy who gets all of the help anymore.
Or am I feeling scared that I am falling back into the routine that caused all of this in the first place?


Or is it something else? Are my heart and mind telling me that this is a time for change?


OR am I just angry that I am letting myself get lazy?


Whatever is causing this feeling...is it a NORMAL part of recovering?
Does everyone go through this?


Is this...
...(oh, God, I can't believe I am going to say this)...


...is this "just a phase" I am going through?


I am not sure why I felt like I did today.  What I DO know is that I felt like I would be happier stuck on the couch than doing what I was doing; and whether or not it causes another heart attack, that is not a happy or a healthy feeling.


Looks like I need to do some thinking, huh gang...


Thanks for staying with me. I'll let you know if I figure it out.




Good night & God bless.

We have "talked" about the bad things that have happened and the good things that have happened to me since November 22. I have written about what was hard, and what I have been able to do pretty easily. I have let you know how I felt on a given day and you have even read a post from a guest author (the PRETTIEST guest author I could find).


What I don't think I have been clear enough about is what grates on me every day; what hides within each decision I make; what just bothers the CRAP outta me.


I CAN'T SEE MY HEART!!!!


I can't see it beating.
I can't see the arteries.
I can't see if there are any other clogs.


I    can't    see   if   what    I   do   makes   a   damn   bit   of   difference.


I'll be honest. I have not been perfect since I got home. I have eaten chocolate, and a slice or 2 of pizza, and probably one too many servings of some DELICIOUS low -sodium chili my son made.


On the other hand...


...I HAVE been religious about getting to rehabilitation & I have been pushing past every goal they have set for me. I have ONLY had a slice or two of pizza since November 22. I ask Ashley if I am not sure about something & I know more about what foods are high in sodium than I ever thought I would.


Yet, on the bad days, did I add to an existing problem? Have I set myself up for another heart attack? On the GOOD days, did I do anything to make my heart healthier, or am I just biding my time?


I can 't SEE anything.


This last weekend, I had to eat out a lot. Did I eat the right things? Did I screw up all of the hard work?


How much damage DO I do when I eat something that is bad for me? Do I "make-up for it" when I am good?


If I am a good boy for breakfast and lunch, can I be a bad boy for dinner?


I don't know, 'cause I can't see.


It is so difficult to try to do the right thing when you can't tell if what you are doing IS the right thing.


It is easy to see if you are doing the right thing to lose weight....your weight drops.
It is easy to see if you are rehabilitating a rebuilt knee correctly. If you are, you will be stronger. You will be able to straighten & bend your knee more each day.


Sadly, unless something bad happens, I can't tell if I am doing things correctly or not.


Everything else in consideration, the toughest thing for me is that I can't SEE.




Good night & God bless.

ZZZZZZZZZZZ.....


I just finished doing just that.


I was putting my baby girl to bed and apparently I joined her in dreamland for a little while. So, this will be a short post as I am very tired and probably not fully awake.


Today falls into the "just when you thought it was over" category.


I actually found myself telling my story again. Yes, that is right. There was someone I know who actually had not heard what happened.


It has been so long since I took the time to tell everything that it almost didn't seem like I was talking about myself. I mean, even this weekend at my company meeting, I didn't tell the WHOLE story. Tonight was the first time in weeks I had to tell someone all the gory details.


Kind of strange to have to do that I'll tell you, but maybe a good thing.


Since this weekend, my diet has not been the best & telling the story again reminded me why I am eating better and exercising. Maybe God stepped in yet again and worked his magic. Maybe he used this person as a reminder that two months is NOT a long time, and that I still need to be careful.


I am very close to fitting into pants with a 30" waist, telling my story again, may just help ensure I get there. Let's hope so.


Well, that is it for tonight. Like I said, I am tired and still 1/2 asleep. I hope you all have a great night & a wonderful day tomorrow.


Good night & God bless.