The heart is a muscle. Like any muscle it can be injured. Like any muscle it can be strengthened, and it can recover. Unlike most muscles, it is NOT something with which you can "work through the pain." This is the thing that scares me the most about this whole thing from here on out. Maybe "scares" is the wrong word....."concerns" is better.
Other than my anxiety attack, I have not really been "scared" since before I got into the ambulance. I mean really folks, I was unconscious for all of the REALLY scary parts, wasn't I? I was out for the heart failure and I was asleep for the surgery.
But, I do get concerned that I will push too hard, or try to do too much now. Before this, whenever I have been in physical therapy, or when I have been taking fitness tests, I have always, ALWAYS, tried to outdo what the exercise physiologists asked. You want 10 reps? I can do 12. You want me to touch my ankles? I can touch my toes. You want my knee to bend 90 degrees? I can go further.
Problem for me is that THIS situation does not allow for that. This situation is one where you need to not push. If you push too hard, the consequences can be bad. You don't just set yourself up for a setback, you set yourself up for...well, let's not mention that possibility.
I mention this because I must admit that I am not looking forward to the end of the rehabilitation program. I know it is a way off, but it already concerns me a little.
While you might think I find rehab to be boring, or a nuisance. Quite the contrary, I feel safe at rehab. There is a professional there watching me & pushing me. I am wearing a monitor that shows how hard I am working and giving me proof that I can push harder. Finishing rehab will be a little...yep, you guessed it..."scary." No more monitor, no more professional.
It was the same when I left the hospital. I was kind of afraid to leave. When I was at the hospital I was safe. I was on a monitor. I was a call away from people who could save my life if need be. Then all of a sudden they say, "Go home and take care of yourself." Wait, don't you guys know I will push to hard? I will try too much?
Oh, wait...Ashley is here...I'm good...I have my own personal warden to keep me in line. WHEW!
The heart is a funny thing. You need to treat it like a muscle, but it isn't the same. Other muscles will either work or they won't. Your bicep will either bend your arm, or it won't. It will either be able to lift a weight, or it won't. If a muscle is TOO badly damaged, you can support it or you can immobilize it. The HEART will beat. It will beat if it is healthy, it will beat if it is sick. You CAN'T support it really, you CAN'T immobilize it (yeah, an immobile heart would be BAD huh?). You don't realize you have overdone it until it is too late.
I don't know about you, but that scares me to....
...let's just say it scares the CRAP out of me.
Wish me luck.
Good night & God bless.
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