My wife informed me this morning that I never posted last night's entry.
So, looks like y'all get a special bonus tonight...a TWOFER!

As I sit here typing, the rest of the crew is asleep. They are upstairs, quiet, content and secure. I am so happy to be able to say that right now.

Outside it is cold, dark, snow covered and icy. In fact, it MIGHT snow enough this weekend to require shoveling. I even bought a new shovel. She's a beauty; ergonomic handle, corrosion resistant, reinforced edge. I mean she is....oh, yeah....who cares....

SO, I have this new shovel & today I was reminded that I was not going to be allowed to use it.
I was told that I was not going to be shoveling anything at all, any time soon. That was not a happy thing.

Now, most people would be happy they were told not to shovel snow. I normally would be as well.

But I wasn't told not to shovel snow. I was told I was not ALLOWED to shovel snow. I was told I wasn't going to shovel snow even if I WANTED TO.

Ya know, I wasn't even told that. No, what I was REALLY told was, "You are going to sit and watch someone ELSE do what you should be doing. You will watch your sons take do your job."

That is a tough thing to be told...even if not in so many words.

Who told me? The Cardiologist? The PT staff? Nope, my wife and my baby sitter.

In no uncertain terms, they told me I wasn't shoveling snow anymore. As someone who always feels the need to take care of others, and as someone who is always afraid people will think I am not taking care of my children well enough, this was a tough thing to be told. It cuts right to the heart and reinforces the fear that I am not that great a father or caretaker.

Why am I worrying about this? Who cares about snow?

Why? Well, it really brought home my situation and condition.

I am forever going to be referred to as a "heart attack survivor." No matter how good I feel; no matter what tests I pass, I will be a "survivor."

Survivor, that should be a good word right? It means you toughed it out, passed the test, beat the odds. I did ALL of that.

Unfortunately, it also means that you are under scrutiny, on watch, needing care. It means that you are "not allowed" to do a number of things.

This is a sad state to be in. While I could not be happier that I survived, I was hoping to avoid being a "survivor." There is a difference.

I was hoping to "put this behind me." But, I see today, that it will never be behind me.

Or will it?  Will I get a doctor to say there is no indication of a heart attack? Will I pass a medical test some day that says that my heart is as strong as it has ever been? Will I be told I can forget what happened? Yeah, uh, no. Like it or not, my heart was strained and there are consequences.

But, will I be ALLOWED to shovel snow?

Well, I can tell you right now that I have set myself that goal; to shovel snow.

But this goal is so much more than being "cleared" to shovel snow.

I want to be out from under the microscope, off the "watch list," cut lose.
I am going to work hard enough that everyone sees that I survived a heart attack, but never thinks to call me "a survivor."

They'll see the fighter, the worker, the doer, but not the "survivor."

With your support, I believe I can keep the faith, work hard enough, and finally reach that goal; even if I live in Hawaii.....where it doesn't snow.


Good night & God bless.